Monday, March 17, 2008

When Angelina Jolie Lips are Not a Good Thing

When we launched, our marketing director urged me not to write any blogs, articles or postings that addressed the topic of how our bodies begin to deteriorate as we age. At 30-something, she considered it a depressing aspect of getting older, and insisted that no one wanted to hear or talk about. Reluctantly, I agreed.

When I suddenly started having “eye” issues, I said nothing. When I began soaking myself in oils and creams because my skin was too dry, I didn’t mention it. When sciatic pain began to wake me up at night, I didn’t write about it. When I began to get pink blotches on my face, I masked it with makeup and tried to ignore it. When I somehow tore my rotator cuff and the doctor suggested surgery, again I remained silent. Every time a doctor announced that another of my conditions was “chronic,” I cringed but honored my word.

Well, ladies, I will remain silent no more!

Last night I returned home from a business meeting, exhausted from driving for several hours. Skipping dinner, I decided to go straight to bed. I didn’t stress over my kids’ activities or next day’s chores, I just took a shower and fell asleep. When my husband came to bed, I woke up and noticed that my lips felt dry (another new condition I have acquired in the last few months). I applied some Chapstick and went peacefully back to sleep.

Three hours later, I awoke with the very unusual feeling of “dribbling” lips. I nodded off again and awoke an hour later, this time feeling like my lips were “all over my face.” I jumped out of bed, and turned on the light. The face I saw in the mirror was beyond my comprehension.

Good Lips Gone Bad

Sometime during the night, Ronald McDonald had taken over my body and adornedit with his enormous bright red lips. I looked like a woman whose lip injection treatments had gone really bad. I tried to recall what I had eaten during the day and what I had done the night before, thinking that perhaps I was having an allergic reaction. But I couldn’t come up with anything. At 3:00 in the morning, the only logical conclusion was that after so many years of marriage, I had become allergic to my husband.

Thinking that antihistamines would help, I woke up my daughter, who suffers from allergies, and borrowed a few pills. She was horrified by my appearance. I then applied all kinds of creams to my lips and face and went back to bed. When I awoke in the morning, I discovered that my lips had grown even larger and more grotesque. I mean, they looked like Angelina Jolie’s lips on steroids! Despite the gravity of the situation, I remember thinking, “Why couldn’t I wake up with her body?”

Unable to get any work done, I whined, moaned and complained for hours until my husband finally made me go to the doctor. To my great disappointment, this is what she said: “You have a very common condition among women your age. As women get older, they require a lot more liquids and oils. You need to drink at least 10 glasses of water a day, use lip moisturizer, get enough sleep and live a healthy life style. You should also consume plenty of flax seed and omega oils, along with a variety of other nutrients that I will write down for you.”

She ended her speech with a devastating statement: “I hate to disappoint you, but this could be a chronic condition.” At the sound of that hated word, I began laughing hysterically, while the poor young dermatologist looked at me in disbelief. She was probably wondering whether to prescribe loony pills instead of creams and oils.

Walking out of her office, I called two of my best friends and announced my new “condition.” Because both of them are fabulously40, they had no problem relating or sympathizing with me. We all agreed that lip injections were not for me, and even if I thought about them in the future, this was a clear sign that I should “never go there.” They were also happy to hear that I wasn’t allergic to my husband, so they didn’t have to endure another divorce.

We agreed to meet this weekend to go shopping, but not for the lingerie, shoes or accessories. Instead, our mission is to find organic flax seeds with a kick, omega oils that taste good, vitamins that will revive us, and a good book to get us through the night -- just in case insomnia kicks in.

But, ladies of the club, would we exchange all of our conditions, symptoms and aches for the wisdom that came with them? No way! Angelina Jolie may have lips to die for, but we can kill with our looks, symptoms and knowledge.

Health Tip

To make sure I get my good oils, I started to have a protein shake for breakfast every day. Not only do I get my good oils, I also get high quality protein, a very healthy fruit and good fats all in one meal. Here's the recipe:

1 cup frozen blueberries

1 scoop whey protein powder

4 capsules/1 tablespoon Udo's Choice Oil or Flax Seed Oil

1 - 2 cups nonfat milk (depending on how thick you like your shakes)

Simply pour into blender and mix well.

You can substitute any fruit you like, such as strawberries, apples, bananas, etc.

Using frozen fruit makes it into a slushy, which in my opinion, makes it taste better.

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