The Dating Game

Dating is never easy.

Whether you’re 15, 20, 30 or Fabulously40 plus, dating always seems like a task better left to someone else. And the older you get the harder it gets. After all, at 15 we are naïve, at 20 we are gullible, at 30 we are determined to find “Mr. Right,” and by 40 we become the biggest skeptics.

On the other hand, how are we supposed to find Mr. Right if we don’t submit ourselves to the dating pool?

Trying to find that one special man through friends and family almost never works, and blind dates get old and annoying very quickly. You know what I’m talking about. Your well-intentioned friends set you up with that “nice guy” that they swear will fill your life with love and abundance. Then you find yourself sitting across the dinner table from some insufferably self-centered slob, frantically searching your mind for a plausible excuse you can utter so he will shut up and take you home.

The only thing worse is having your mother (because she hears your biological clock ticking) arrange for you to meet a friend’s son. The description starts out, “He is a very nice guy and he is tall…” and goes downhill from there. As the warning bells go off inside your head and the color drains from you face, you realize the time has come to take destiny into your own hands.

So you take a deep breath, sit down at the keyboard, and type a URL that resembles something like www.findingmrrighttonight…...com. You think of a user name and password, open your online dating account, and the adventure begins.

On A Mission

To your surprise and amazement, you awake next morning to find your email inbox overflowing with responses.

Your heart sinks as you open the first email and look at the picture of a bold, very unattractive guy who is “intrigued with your profile and wants to get to know you.” Nevertheless, you note that you have at least 30 more emails to read and plunge ahead, certain that there must be at least one prince among all the frogs.

As you open one email after another, you sift through attractive, successful, ugly, funny, boring males who have exposed themselves for your review. You feel somewhat empowered and confident that “things are looking up.” As you get to the last email, you realize there are several options you can consider replying to, and maybe one or two that actually look interesting.

All of a sudden you find your whole life revolving around this exciting new game of online dating. The next thing you know, you’re browsing your “matches” morning, noon and night, and are even skipping lunch to catch up on your latest online hopefuls. Your boss mentions several times that your work has slowed down. Your mother complains that you never call her. You ditch your friends for drinks during Happy hour day after day.

You now have a mission, and no one will stop you!

Mission Accomplished

So, does online dating actually work? A Fabulously40 sister recently shared with me the following story:

This sister hated the idea of dating online. But, when years passed and she didn’t meet anyone through family and friends, she eventually succumbed. After dating online for several months with mixed results (hopeful one day, disappointed the next), she received an email that said, “I found your profile to be special and unique. I’m recently widowed and fairly new to the dating game. I don’t feel comfortable posting my picture but would very much like to meet.”

She didn’t agree to meet right away, partly out of caution and partly because he lived back east. Instead, she suggested they get to know each other through emails and see where their cyber relationship led. After a while, she began to feel that he was sincere and suggested they meet face-to-face. Delighted, he offered to fly to California to meet her.

Three months to the date of his first email, our sister arrived at the restaurant for the appointed rendezvous. Wearing a red dress and red lipstick, she nervously followed the hostess to the table, where a man was already seated. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.

As the hostess stepped aside, our sister found herself looking into the familiar eyes of a man she once knew. His face was older and more lined, and he seemed a bit shorter and huskier, but the eyes remained the same. Incredibly, here in front of her, with a huge smile on his face, sat the first boy she ever held hands with, the first boy she had ever kissed.

They sat for 10 minutes without saying a word. He then reached into his pocket, pulled out a ring, got down on one knee, and proposed to her on the spot. They have been inseparable ever since.

Obviously, most online dating ventures don’t produce such fairytale endings. But you never know what can happen until you give it a try. So, if you’re facing another weekend alone, get off that couch, go turn on your computer and give it a shot. Who knows who could be waiting for you behind that computer screen?



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Breaking Up Is Hard To Watch

What can be worse than breaking up with your first love?

Think back to that magical first time you fell in love.  Remember the butterflies in your stomach, the sparkle in your eyes, and the stupid smile on your face?  How even 10 minutes apart from your newfound love could seem like an eternity?  How the simple act of holding hands could make you feel like the most special person on the planet?

Now fast-forward a few weeks, a month, or perhaps even years ahead, and what happened?  You broke up and went your separate ways, most likely never to see each other again. 

Nothing prepared you for the pain, the tears and the emptiness that ensued.  The smile vanished from your face, the sparkle left your eyes, and all you had left was a big, empty hole in your stomach.

Remember how it felt like the end of the world, like nothing could ever hurt that badly again?  Well, here it is 25 years later and you realize that the pain you felt then cannot even remotely be compared to what you’re going through now. 

What on earth could possibly be worse then breaking up with the love of your life?  The answer is simple -- it’s watching your child break up with the first love of her life. 

You know that it almost doesn’t matter what you say in order to make her feel better.  You remember (even if it was a quarter of a century ago) how your own mother consoled you and promised that the pain would go away and you would love again.  You remember how you spent hours crying yourself to sleep, wishing that it was all just a dream.  And you recall that it took time, and many dates later, to realize that life wasn’t over and the best was yet to come. 

Most of all, you want to wave a magic wand to take the pain away and make everything all right.  Instead, you rock your “baby’ in your arms, bite your tongue, and try not to say all the things that seem right and necessary, the same words of wisdom your own mother had for you.  You hold her tightly and hope that her pain will subside very quickly, and that you can provide the on-going support and open communication she needs at this time.

And as you sit there fighting to hold back your own tears, you take some comfort in the knowledge (borne from your own painful experience) that this is, after all, only a temporary condition.

All the best,
Yana

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On Dating A Younger Men

If you were my close friend, you would know that I’m not exactly flexible. In fact, I tend to be very opinionated, judgmental and sarcastic. (Having put this down on paper, I suddenly find myself wondering how I’m so fortunate to have so many friends.)

Recently, one of my dear girlfriends met a man that she really likes. However, she wasn’t sure how our immediate group of friends would react to the fact that her beau is 10 years her junior. Fortunately, she confided in me before getting all stressed out about the relationship. My reaction to her situation surprised even me.

At age 20, I would have been shocked. At 30, I might have felt a bit apprehensive. But at 41, I think it’s phenomenal!

In the previous century (also known as the dating Dark Ages), a 10-year difference would have constituted a serious hurdle for those in the relationship. It would also have stirred up plenty of disapproval from those outside it. But come on, people, this is the 21st century! Why should a 10-year age gap be a big deal?

I think it’s wonderful when a man is attracted to a woman for all the right reasons. If a 30-year old successful, educated male is interested in a 40-year old woman who is beautiful, versatile, funny, sharp and successful, what’s wrong with that?

Why is it that all of us have to live by the rules? Why do we need to explain our actions or defend ourselves when we are in love or in lust? Why do we have to be just like everyone else? Why do we have to constantly conform to what society expects of us?

h3. The beauty of being fabulously forty is that we don’t!

Who cares what our neighbors think? Or what our ex-mother in law gossips about? And the women at the gym need something to salivate about, don’t they? You’re both adults, and as long as the relationship is based on love, respect and trust, it doesn’t matter how big the age gap might be.

The truth is, this is your life, and it’s your responsibility to live it and enjoy the heck out of it. So the next time you start to get stressed out about a situation that doesn’t fall into the typical “norm,” forget about analyzing it and trying to accommodate everyone around you. Instead, do what feels right for you and “go for the gusto!”


After all, if you don’t make yourself happy, who will?

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When A Man Can’t Commit

Are you dating a man who won’t come right out and say “no,” but never quite gets around to saying “yes”?

My grandma convinced me at a very early age that if a man isn’t married by age 30, you should write him off because “it ain’t gonna happen.”  Granted, times have changed, but the concept of commitment has not. 

Today, more and more people tend to marry older, often because both women and men strive to finish their education and become financially independent prior to making a commitment.  Nevertheless, the issue of commitment remains a thorny one for many couples.

Let’s fast-forward a decade and see where we stand.  Suppose that you, as a fabulously forty sorority sister, are dating someone your age or older who has never been married.  I won’t be the one to say a 40-year old single male will never stand before the altar.  But let’s get real here.  Anyone that old who refuses to commit has real issues.

At the same time, I would never advise anyone not to date a man that age who has never been married.  But you need to see him for who he really is.  He might be the nicest, brightest guy on the planet, but you have to be smart and observant.  Don’t fall into the trap of making excuses on his behalf when you speak to your friends.  And don’t try to change the subject when they ask why his other relationships didn’t work out.  Your friends have your best interests at heart.  Listen carefully to his stories and don’t be biased.  Remember, every story has two sides to it. 

Finally, give yourself a timeline and stick to it.  If he refuses to commit, you’re better off walking away from the relationship.  Not because your biological clock is ticking, and not because you can’t be without a man.  Quite simply, your time and your life are too valuable to waste.

As a fabulously forty & beyond you are unique and you deserve the best.  If he can’t give that to you, it’s time to take a detour.  Say sayonara, move on….and never look back!

All the best,
Yana




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